Sometimes I wonder if my mom was thinking that my father would leave her someday, with her not yet being married and already in her 8th month of pregnancy, and this being her first time to be pregnant. My dad was the kind of person who didn’t care if he screwed you over, borrowed large amounts of money and always was thinking who he was going to hit up next. Maybe my father has a sweet side... I haven’t seen it since I was 2 years old. His sweet side doesn’t come out much, meaning he isn’t the greatest father. My names Carly I’m sixteen years old and trying to make it through this community? Without seeing the worst and cruel side of it. My mother is the type of person who fights and gives without having anything in her pocket, but with try and make everything great no matter what happened to her. She’ll be here till the end for me.

I was two years old when I knew that life would be a struggle, for me and my mom. With no family to around us ... I mean that physically.You know the family that says they would be there for you, but doesn’t and really doesn’t give a crap about you and doesn’t help in desperate situations. In turn they will want something from us when they are desperate and my mother comes to rescue for them.
Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I don’t care about her, because I don’t hold affection for people cause all the people I loved have died or left me behind. I only miss her when I’m not around her but don’t show affection to her except when I’m half asleep and haven’t realized my life is what it is, or when I’m happy because something great has happened for once.

With my mom being single and 50 years old, I realize sometimes that if I move out she will be alone and have no one to love... but I always want her to be with someone even if she thinks its uncomfortable for me, I’ll get used to it over time. I’m just not used to a male figure around me.

Me being a 16 year old girl I think it’s a complete cliché for me to say that I’m addicted to my iPod, I’m only addicted to it because it holds my emotions, thoughts, favorite movies that get my through the day. I dislike when people correct me when I put “and” at the front of a sentence obviously how it can be incorrect when there is nothing that makes sense to put there except for the word “and”. Microsoft Word is probably my first love with spelling correction for those really intense words, and unlimited ways I can express myself through writing.

Snowboarding gets me through everything even those days when you really don’t want to do anything, although I dislike snowboarding when it’s too cold or when you get snow in your gloves. It’s just the thought that all your thoughts go away. “Almost like when I strap up all the bullshit goes away”

I probably won’t marry until I find a person I completely trust, just because I’m too much to handle, not in a good way where boys are all sexual and say “I’m too much to handle” wink wink. No I mean I think too much, and am too complicated to decode some days. I get irritated over the simplest thing, also I don’t whine about annoying and incompetent things. I can’t handle intense moments with friends, because I always smile through them… when it’s either relationship problems or problems with their families there’s always a smile that creeps in.

I’m not saying I’m perfect I have my flaws. Trust me. If I try and smile it comes in as a smirk, I sound like I’m sick when I’m tired. I get too attached to things and it’s hard for me to let go. My hands look gross... my fingers are too short and fat.
Architecture was my first love, but I can’t have it as a job… because it involves math and my skills at math are lacking.

Early Childhood education is my second love; kids are all so innocent and have so much intention for you to understand them. They hold secrets that you need to figure out for your life to make lovely again.

It’s a disease to me considering that I have too many thoughts on my mind, I mean consider if you had to do a project or something and you have too many thoughts you want to get out that it doesn’t make sense… Well that’s my life and situation. Too many ideas on what I could do with life, it’s like play-doh mold it into a way that no one can possibly make another one of.

Another situation will probably pop up because of this, since expressing ones self is considered “wrong” and hateful because problems with another issue are exposed like bones in an arm.

I don’t know why I’m writing this… I just am, thoughts and emotions had to come out and I didn’t want to confide in anyone because I would probably be emitted to the crazy house or institution. I really don’t care if people comment or say certain things about this or me because this is who I am and I can’t change who I am for your enjoyment.

Most kids are hiding through drugs and alcohol, but for what reason. It just creates more reasons for your life to fuck up more.
When I went to china it was possibly the best time of my life. 13 hours of just pure silence or sleep for the plane ride, looking out a window into clouds and ocean, then learning and being a new person in a totally different country. Seeing what a merge of two families from different backgrounds can take from that experience. Not being able to communicate with people and being totally on your own for three weeks. God what a great time that was. To feel what a family could be like if you had the numbers to make it work… to see what a functional family is.

I’ve had too many bad experiences in my life that I often don’t know what a good experience is. I don’t smile on Christmas or my birthday… because I feel bad for making a person spend money on me, I don’t know what to ask for presents cause I don’t want them to get me anything.

My mom thinks that we need more family around us… our family has told lies, never paid back loans or anything. Why would you want family that would screw you over near you?

Considering that I say “Jesus Christ” and “God Dammit” a lot, for one my Uncle Desmond used to say “Jesus Christ” a lot which I loved. I do not believe in any “higher power” that could make a universe it was all coincidence probably. If you take the story what would be here if humans or animals weren’t genetically made? It would just be pure silence and naturally beautiful.

I learned how to spell the word beautiful from Jim Carrey in the mask or liar -liar. “B – E – A – UTIFUL.” That’s my first movie that I actually cared for.

My memory is a good feature… I remember the most stupid stuff but it makes my day to see that I can still remember what a certain person said 2 years ago that I would do anything for them to say today.

I’ve heard people say that “ life moves on” But with if I don’t want it to move on, just in that situation because it made me feel comfortable and that this world has something nice about it?... finally.

All my friends that are nice are guys... Does that explain something? I can’t handle girls, they complain about the most stupid stuff. Also they over- do things, make people spread drama to make life hell for someone else.

I already know what song I want played at my funeral... I have it written down in a note book. I doubt I’ll die when I’m old, I’ll probably be one of those people who die in a car accident or mysteriously vanished or something. Who knows?

No one will read this, and if they do I would ask you “don’t you have better things to do then read what’s on my mind?”

When I care for someone, they often leave.